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My Very First New Years Resolution

new years resolution 2019

"It was in my darkest hour that elicited the biggest change."



I’ve never made a New Years resolution. I always thought they were nothing more than a quick fix to feeling good about “starting fresh” only to feel worse down the road when you ultimately don’t carry through. More so, a resolution within a resolution. Pessimistic? Maybe. But the amount of times I’ve heard stories about people “starting at the gym" January 2nd- because let’s be real, no one’s doing much on the 1st- and then falling out the month of February is countless. I used to work at a gym way back when and January was our busiest time of the year. All the people signing up to start the New Year right, it’s honestly great to see but by the time February came around, we were back to our regular clientele with no more busy bodies than we had in December. In fact, “eating healthier” and “getting more exercise” are the top two most common resolutions according to Statistica, right next to “save more money”. All equally tied at 37%, which is contradicting in itself because eating healthier and going to the gym {or finding another form of exercise} is going to cost you more. 



Business Insider says 80% of New Years resolutions are abandoned by February, and from working at the gym back in school, I can attest to that statement. So why even make a resolution? It’s a temporary fix. I’ve always subjected to the idea that if you want to do something, f**king do it! I don’t need a New Year to start my health kick but that’s just me. I’m the kind of person who wakes up one day and just decides to do it. Even still, I don’t always follow through with everything, but in the end I don’t feel terrible about it because it wasn’t a statement I made to the world {friends & family} telling them my resolution. That being said, I get it. I like the idea of “starting fresh” with a New Year. As fanciful as it seems, I see why people make resolutions. 


So, totally contradictory to all of what I just said, this year I made a new years resolution for 2019. Part of me explaining my beliefs goes hand-in-hand with my resolution. By stating it to “the world” I’m more likely to follow through, so, I guess, this is my way of ensuring I keep it. I mentioned on my Instagram story a week ago that what I’m most proud of this year was my personal growth. I struggled, internally, at the start of the year and it crept into spring and then summer. I was a mess. In March I moved back home as just a shattered individual. Of course, those who followed me then would have little knowledge of that because I wouldn’t share/ open up about that difficult time. I started seeing a therapist, read self help books all day long {I went through about 10 over the course of the summer}, tried meditation, painting/ drawing, submerging myself into household mini projects, etc. Over the months, I found I was waking up with less “bad” mornings, and more “good”. What brought me to that awful place at the start? I don't know exactly but I thought moving to New York would cure my problems; instead, it extenuated them on a richter scale.

My time there is for an entirely different post, but bottom line I was a wreck and I didn't even know it. I met some good people and some very bad. I screwed the good people over and the bad people screwed me over. Learning to forgive others without an apology was the easier step, surprisingly. Learning to forgive myself for what I did was much harder. The silver lining to all of this? It has brought this, sort of, sanctity into my life. Clarity. It opened my eyes to realizing I had a problem and needed to change. I stopped blaming others for my problems, and focused on why these problems kept entering into my life. I stopped playing the victim, and started owning what was happening. Some women are lost in the fire and some women are built from it. I chose the latter in the end, although the former was much easier. It was in my darkest hour that elicited the biggest change. Sometimes you just have to trust that shitty things can happen for a good reason.


new years resolution 2019


Oh yeah, my New Years resolution? In relation to my personal growth, I'm going to start being more honest online. I've worked hard at curing my personal life but part of my personal life is online and how can I live truthfully if half of my life is censored? This year I vow to be more open about everything, even if that means I'll receive more backlash for it. I feel strong enough to deal with potential backlash if what I'm putting out there is truthful to me. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I'm definitely not one to argue with someone who is already entrenched in their own view points but I'm also not going to keep quiet about things important to me and my point of view. So for 2019, expect more openness and honesty; you might not like it and that's okay, but we all have a voice and I'm choosing to use mine.


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Do you agree? Are we all too censored or is that, perhaps, a good thing?

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